What Every Pirate Needs
by kamikumai
Summary: Luffy feels as if there's something missing from his crew. A sort of discussion ensues, or rather as much of a discussion as this particular crew is capable of. New Part! : What's a crew to do, when their Captain does the impossible? Hints of LuffyxZoro.
1. Chapter 1

**Word from the Author:** Third fandom, yay! I really, really love One Piece... So I thought to myself, why not write something for it? And here it is...!

**Dedication:** Again, to okama-kama-no-tsukai who shares with me a love for this suteki na anime. Happy Birthday!

**Disclaimer:** Piracy is an international crime that falls within the universal jurisdiction of international criminal law and was in fact the reason that such a jurisdiction was born in the first place. That said, this isn't mine. And I never claimed it was... so. Not GUILTY.

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**What Every Pirate Needs**

* * *

It was a beautiful day, the skies were a clear, dazzling blue, the seas were calm and there was a strong but cooling breeze that filled the sails and pushed the Going-Merry onwards at a steadily speedy pace. Despite the heat the crew aboard were more or less at ease. All except for their questionable but somehow at the same time surprisingly reliable Captain.

In fact, at that very moment, Luffy had a rather pensive expression flitting across his face, one that probably did not bode well for his fellow crewmen, and uh, women.

It was with mild trepidation or as Sanji would no doubt have termed, had he been up on deck at the time, Zoro's inborn stupidity that their resident swordsman asked, "What're you thinking, Luffy?"

All the members on deck instantly paused to see what Luffy's response would be. Half of them were expecting the answer to be along the lines of '_NIKUUU_!' while the others in the remaining half were thinking he'd probably just go with something incredibly random.

So when Luffy finally exclaimed, "What every pirate needs is a pet!" Both halves decided they hadn't been too far off.

The fact that they seriously gave the matter some thought was probably quite revealing of how much time they'd spent in the self-acclaimed Pirate-King-to-be's presence.

It was Zoro who finally broke the silence. "But... we already have Chopper," he stated, face completely serious.

There was another pause, before Chopper's indignant screech of, "I'M NOT A PET!!"

"Well, technically you are a domesticated animal that we keep on board for entertainment," Usopp pointed out helpfully. Quite a few nods accompanied Usopp's proclamation.

"Has _everyone_ forgotten that I'm the _doctor_ on this ship?!" Chopper demanded on a high pitch squeal.

There was another short silence, gradually broken by the sound of slowly nodding heads and the occasional, "Oh yeah..."

Chopper suddenly swiveled, pointing a hoof accusingly at Usopp and crying, "Usopp's more of a pet than I am!"

Usopp gaped for a moment, before seeming to pull himself together. "Why, you...!"

The crew watched on, as Usopp jumped and belly-flopped on top of the reindeer, before turning to face one another as the two continued their scuffle.

"Chopper's right, you know," Nami injected suddenly, before bluntly clarifying her statement. "I'm pretty sure Chopper's more intelligent than Usopp."

Zoro snorted, "Sounds about right."

Usopp paused in the headlock he'd managed to get Chopper in, only to scoff, "Like YOU'RE any smarter!"

With an inch of each katana unveiled, Zoro's voice dropped to a murderous whisper, "Think you can take me, chicken-boy?"

"Chicken-boy?!" Usopp squawked, in an oddly 'bwork'-like fashion, even as Chopper continued banging a hoof against Usopp's arm desperately mouthing, "Time-out! Time-out!"

Usopp took a deep breath before shouting at full volume, completely ignoring Chopper's continued struggles, "**YOU** DON'T _DO_ ANYTHING EXCEPT SLEEP AND EAT, AND OCCASIONALLY BITCH…!"

"I do not _bitch_," Zoro hissed.

"Do SO!" Usopp rebutted with eloquence.

"And hey! It's not like _you_ do anything either!" Zoro snapped.

"I'm the _entire freaking tech crew_!" Usopp shrieked.

Deciding it was time to diffuse the situation, especially seeing as Chopper was turning what definitely looked to be an unhealthy shade of blue, especially give that he normally didn't emulate human colouring, Robin quickly set about tickling all the perpetrators and pulling them apart, before smoothly drawling, "Now, now, children… Play nice."

Coughing as he tried to recover from the unexpected onslaught of cruel and deliberate torture, Zoro spluttered, "We're not goddamn _children_."

Robin merely raised an eyebrow in response, while Nami growled, her stance stern and unforgiving, "Then stop acting like BRATS!"

Luffy in the meantime had flopped onto his back to stare at the passing cloud shapes as he shaded eyes from the harsh glare of the sun with his beloved straw hat.

"Ah," he said. "…What about a talking parrot?"

Yet again, everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him.

"Are you serious?" Nami asked, a look of utter disbelief spreading across her face.

"That's like, the worse pirate cliché ever!" Usopp groaned, evidently still trying to catch his breath after his earlier bout of near hysterical laughter.

"Yeah, but I don't really fit into any of the other pirate clichés, so I thought maybe it would be a good indicator..." Luffy trailed off uncertainly.

"Oh yeah, very convincing proof of piratehood …_NOT_." Waving his arms around somewhat insanely himself, Usopp exclaimed, "They'll think you're a crazy little kid with a wacky talking bird!"

"Oh," Luffy said, looking a little disheartened.

Everyone looked a little uncomfortable at that point, Usopp feeling guiltiest of all, probably because it was pretty hard to actually bring Luffy's forever sky-rocketing 'positive' personality down.

Luckily though, Sanji appeared from below deck, drawing and lighting a cigarette as he approached.

"What's with all the racket?" He demanded.

No one seemed all that inclined to answer. In the end, it was Luffy himself that spoke up.

"Was… just thinking it'd be nice to have a pet. You know, like a familiar," Luffy sighed.

"Isn't a familiar what witches and wizards have?" Sanji questioned with a frown.

"I guess," Luffy replied vapidly.

Looking about Sanji noticed the guilty shuffles, and the awkward silence that descended upon the deck. Raising both eyebrows, he took in Luffy's no longer so _genki_ demeanor.

Smirking, he took a puff of his 'rette, before speaking.

"I think I've got something you might like."

"Really?" Luffy exclaimed, eyes lighting up.

"Yeah, just head down below deck, and I'll get it for you," Sanji smiled.

"_Yatta_!" Luffy _niko-niko_'ed.

They all watched as Luffy happily bounced away, doing as Sanji had instructed.

Once he was out of sight, Sanji turned to the others and said, "You do realize you all owe me favors."

Disgruntled, they nodded. It was a rule, if as a group they managed to hurt Luffy's feeling, which was admittedly pretty hard to do, then whoever managed to put him back in a good mood got to call in the debt.

"Usopp owes double," Zoro informed Sanji.

They turned as one to stare at Usopp.

Grumbling, Usopp muttered, "So long as you actually manage to keep him in a good mood, Sanji, then fine. Double."

"Right then," and with that Sanji turned and disappeared below.

A few minutes later, Luffy returned and as far as the naked eye could tell, he was in a _very_ good mood, whistling and stretching to his full capacity.

It wasn't until later that evening, when wash-up duty was being served that Usopp, Nami and Chopper cornered Sanji to ask what he'd done. Zoro had threatened them with death if they didn't tell him later. Robin had simply smiled and said, "Well, if it's good, let me know!"

Shrugging, Sanji told them what he'd done, nice and simple. "I just told him he could keep the _Den Den Mushi_ as his pet."

Three sets of jaws scraped the ship's kitchen floor.

Nami was the first to recover, "You're kidding, right? Tell me, you're kidding!"

"I kid you not, oh, beautiful Nami-_chwan_!" Sanji sing-songed. "Plus, it means that I don't have to look after it anymore. It's his responsibility now. …I just hope he doesn't kill it, which is pretty hard to do from what I hear…"

"And he accepted that?" Nami cried, in disbelief yet again at the antics of her acknowledged Captain.

Sanji nodded. "It's an animal. And, technically, it does speak, if only to transmit other people's voices…" Sanji shrugged again, "Criteria filled."

"Huh," the three said.

"He's a simple soul," Sanji explained.

They knew that, and more than that, they were happy to accept the fact. It wasn't hard for them to do so. After all, he'd done just that for all of them.

"Ah. That's right, Usopp. Remember, double."

Usopp swallowed nervously.

The last time he'd had to repay a debt to Sanji, he'd been trussed up as bait just so that the cook could catch a rare and humongous fish that Sanji told Luffy inhabited the area they were passing through. Luffy, of course, had demanded to try it.

Usopp could only hope his life wasn't about to be put on the line. Again. He sighed, rueful.

_The things you do for friends_.

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Finis.

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**Another Word from the Author: **And there you have it... Three down... Only ninety-seven left to go...! Oh, and leave the author some _niku_ in a review, if you would be so kind. _Domo_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Word from the Author:** First thing's first... this sequel thingy totally rushed up and blind-sided me...! I had no idea it was coming... But here it is! XD All in all, this was once again incredibly random on my part... Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy it!

**Disclaimer: **Well, you should have read the first one in part one... same thing applies here. Whoot.

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**Death of a Den Den Mushi**

* * *

They all stood and watched in silence. Solemn as any could ever have claimed to see them. Beneath it all lay a subtle tension, a certain sense of disbelief warring with the grief they felt.

They hadn't thought it possible. They could barely conceive of the happenings as they'd come to pass, too inexplicable as they were.

Their Captain had done the impossible.

Those on the ship who had only heard of the occurrence were baffled by it, while those who had borne witness to the event didn't dare speak of it. Their eyes, however, betrayed them.

There was a crazed look in each and every one of them, a shiver of irrepressible malaise that couldn't be shaken off.

And just when everything had been going so well…

Honest to Pirate King, Luffy swore that it had been an accident, that there was no way any of them could have possibly foreseen how the flame dial, along with all the other ingredients that had been involved, could have ended in the horrible tragedy that had taken place within the very bows of the Going-Merry.

Some weren't so sure, however, that that was the truth of things. They wondered, you see, whether it hadn't been some sort of evil plot, some sick scheme to do away with that which had been previously proclaimed an essential element to every pirate's way of life.

The fact that Luffy had somehow managed to so 'inadvertently' kill his pet _Den Den Mushi_ struck fear into all their hearts.

The things were supposed to be nigh on invincible, what with having to survive the hardships of everyday human communication. As such, one question haunted them, ever since it had happened…

What in Grand Line were they going to replace the damn thing with?

Alternatively it had been asked, what could possibly survive Luffy if a _Den Den Mushi_ couldn't?

It was a painful thing to consider, as they maintained their minute's silence, watching their Captain as he threw the ashes of the poor thing out to sea.

To some degree they were grateful it had persevered as long as it had. They would remember it fondly, and with respect. It had served well, with honor and enduring dignity in the face of such opposition.

As the remaining motes of dust drifted daintily on the smooth summer's breeze, the silence was broken.

"I've decided!" Luffy exclaimed with gusto, the tear tracks already drying on his face.

_Oh no,_ they thought as one, but as always, it was Zoro who dared to ask what they all equally feared and desired to know.

"What have you decided, Luffy?"

"On a new pet, of course." This proclamation was accompanied with enthusiastic nodding on Luffy's part, and uncontrollable quivering on the part of nearly everyone else. Even Zoro couldn't deny it.

"W-w-w-what s-sort of… p-p-p-pet?" Usopp stammered out nervously.

Luffy's already enormous grin widened, no doubt helped by his Devil's Fruit ability.

"People pets" Luffy laughed, as if this was the most hilarious thing he'd ever thought of.

And in a way it was. So funny in fact, that most of them probably wouldn't make it out alive, and even if they did, whether their sanity survived was another matter entirely. Perhaps it was even hilarious in the way that one laughs at another's misfortune. They'd never have pegged Luffy for a sadist, but beneath every cheerfully laughing teenage boy, they were certain one was lurking.

Luffy stopped laughing abruptly. Possibly as soon as he realized that no one else was laughing with him. He discounted Usopp who was making that funny, silently screaming laughter that he made sometimes, because Luffy didn't think Usopp did that when he actually found things funny.

"What's wrong, everyone?" Luffy questioned, looking baffled. "It's the perfect solution!"

"Uh, Luffy…" Nami began, before clearing her throat to continue. "What exactly do you _mean_ when you say…" she consciously paused this time, "people pets?"

"I mean," Luffy said slowly, as if speaking to stupid people, which they were, if you thought about it in terms of Luffy-intelligence, "that _you guys_ are going to take turns being my pet!"

The ensuing evil laughter that was being emitted from their Captain's grotesquely stretching jaw was nothing short of horrifying.

"Wait a minute!" Chopper suddenly cried. "That means I don't have to be a pet, right, Luffy? Right?"

The laughter disappeared once more, as Luffy frowned. "What are you talking about, Chopper?"

"I just mean," Chopper said, hopping from one hoof to another, waving his arms about as he made his point, "since I'm not a people, I don't have to be a people pet!"

Many of the present members frowned at this, cursing the fact that they didn't have a similar excuse.

"On the contrary, Doctor-_san_," Robin argued, "given that you ate the _Human Human _Fruit, I think it only fair for you to be considered at least part person."

Robin smiled serenely.

"I fully, totally, completely agree, Robin-_swan_!" Sanji interjected on a jig.

"Oiiii!" Chopper cried. "If I'm at least part person, doesn't that mean that I _shouldn't_ be emergency food?!"

Sanji paused in his spinning. "Well, no. I mean, out of all of us, you're still the _least_ human."

"That's not fair!" Chopper sniffed. "If I'm to be classified as the food, I should be exempt from the people-pet category."

"Yeah, but wouldn't being in the food category make you more likely to just be in the animal-pet category?" Usopp seemed to have recovered enough to join in the debate.

"Who cares," Luffy added, with surprising finality. "Basically I'm going to assess you on how good a pet you'd make, and based on this, whoever is most suited for the placement, shall hold that position indefinitely! _Yosha_!"

Somehow the larger than normal words, coming from Luffy anyway, and used in the right context, made the prospect of the whole thing even more disturbing than it had been originally. So, all things considered, pretty freaking disturbing.

"Just so you know, Luffy," Nami smiled, her eyebrow twitching minutely. "As Navigator of this ship, I'm afraid I won't be able to take on such a time consuming role as being your precious pet. Even though I'm sure you'd make a _wonderful_ master, I just don't think it would be possible, presuming you want me to make sure we end up where the Log Pose steers us?"

Luffy stared at Nami sadly for a moment, "Are you sure you can't, Nami?"

"I'm sorry, Luffy… you know I would if I could…" Both eyebrows were twitching uncontrollably by this stage.

Even though Chopper, Usopp and Zoro all wanted to protest her line of reasoning, the consequences that such action would undoubtedly bring about just didn't seem worth the risk.

_And i__t wasn't like Luffy would ever choose her as his pet, if given the choice. _

Zoro was a little confused by the thought – why should he care if Luffy chose someone other than him? He didn't even _want_ to be a people pet… Right?

Chopper and Usopp, on the other hand, had reached this conclusion based purely on their own assessments of Nami, which could be easily summarized in a word. _Kowai!_

It was Sanji who next cleared his throat. "Oi, Luffy."

"What is it, Sanji?"

"You do realize pets don't cook, right?"

Luffy's eyes widened at the implications of this.

"So," Sanji continued, "I'm guessing that you'd prefer me to remain on as Cook?"

Luffy was already nodding emphatically, so quickly in fact that his eyelids and lips both seemed to be flapping.

Chopper nervously raised a hoof, before rushing to announce, "A-as Doctor! I can't be a people pet!"

Luffy frowned for a moment, before conceding, "I suppose…"

Usopp blinked. This sounded suspiciously familiar.

"Well! As I, the one and only, greatly majestic Usopp-_sama_, am in charge of ship maintenance, I declare myself unfit for the position of Court Jester!"

Everyone blinked.

"By which I mean! …People pet."

This time everyone nodded their understanding; it wasn't a bad analogy actually.

Luffy eyed his crew. Apparently thinking about what all this could mean. "So basically… that leaves Zoro and Robin?"

Nami, Sanji, Chopper and Usopp nodded. Apparently Usopp's claim had been validated… somehow.

Usually it would be Zoro at the forefront of knocking it, but for some reason, in this instance, he actually felt vindicated in his silence.

Luffy turned his attention towards the two remaining contestants. "So, one of you guys, huh?"

Robin just smiled, before sketching a rather elegant bow, "I'd be honored, Captain-_san_."

Zoro realized he'd almost growled. Actually, scratch almost, he _had_. Noticing that everyone was now looking at him, he felt his cheeks heat, just a little.

"Wow," Usopp said. "That was surprisingly animal-like."

Sanji looked as if he were desperately trying to stifle his laughter. Nami and Robin both looked similarly amused, displayed more so by their smiles than by demented noises.

Chopper looked at Zoro in awe, before excitedly whispering, "How did you make that sound so real?"

Luffy also looked rather impressed, smiling widely at his first mate, "Zoro! That was _so cool_!"

"How unfortunate… I'm afraid I might not be able to compete," Robin _niko_'d. "Perhaps I should concede defeat whilst I'm ahead, hm? After all, I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone keeping an archeological historian as their pet…" Robin raised her eyebrows gracefully.

Zoro narrowed his eyes at her, he wasn't sure he liked the suggestive looks she was casting between him and Luffy.

"I reckon!" Usopp loudly interrupted. "I mean, come on, people, if you think about it… The person here most like an animal is Zoro, Chopper included."

"You want to try saying that again, _chicken_ boy?" Zoro snarled.

Usopp merely smirked, "I think I can leave it to the rest of the crew to come up with the similarities. Right, guys?"

"Well…" Nami began, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Habitually speaking, he does spend most of his time either eating, sleeping or exercising. No higher brain functions used, which does seem to point towards animal…"

"A guard dog," Robin added, "wouldn't be too bad an analogy, I think."

Sanji snorted at this, "Nice one, Robin-_swan_! And oh yeah, just check out those fearsome fangs...!"

"Fangs?" Zoro hissed. "You better not be talking about—"

"_Hora_," Sanji sang, unsheathing one of the _katana_ that had been balanced against the mast by Zoro's side. "This certainly has some bite."

"Enough to take your hand clean off," Zoro gritted. "Now get those perverted appendages _off _of my sword!"

Usopp sniggered.

"What?" Zoro snapped, swiveling his death glare towards him.

"N-nothing," Usopp stuttered, his face slowly turning red as he struggled not to explode with laughter.

Zoro took a step forward, his hand snapping to the side to retrieve his _katana_ from Sanji's grasp, the blade already bared.

Eyes widening, Usopp stepped back. "_Ano_… " He let his eyes flicker around the group, most of who were happily standing by to watch. "Don't any of you have the heart to _help me in these kinds of situations_?"

"I don't suppose you'd like to know how much it would cost you." Nami smiled creepily. "Am I right?"

"Uh…"

"Thought not!" Nami leaned back against the cabin's wall, content to play spectator.

"Anyone?" Usopp pleaded, already being pushed back against the railing.

As it so happened, it was Luffy who stepped forward, right between Usopp and the predatorily approaching Zoro.

Everyone, including Usopp and Zoro, the latter still moving nonetheless, watched their Captain intently. Even after all this time, it was supremely hard to predict just what was going to happen next.

"Sit!"

Zoro stopped, one foot in the air.

"…What?"

"I said, 'Sit!'" Luffy said again, this time pointing to the floor.

"But…" Zoro began, "why?"

Luffy frowned at him, "Because I said so! Sit! Sit! Sit!"

When Zoro refused to budge, Luffy wheedled, "I'll give you a treat…?"

"ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE A PET?!"

"…Well, yeah." Luffy replied honestly.

Everyone else seemed to be on the floor, choking. Zoro glared at them. _Traitors_.

Then glared at Luffy.

"I'm not a pet."

"But Zoooro!"

Zoro's eye twitched. "No."

"I'll even feed you from my plate…" Luffy tried to bargain.

Zoro looked at Luffy suspiciously, before demanding, "Are you trying to tell me that I wouldn't even get my own plate?"

Luffy scratched his head, looking almost pensive. "If I let you keep your own plate, will you?"

"_NO_."

The rest of the crew seemed to have recovered by now, and subsequently started booing at Zoro's utter meanness.

"How can you be so insensitive?" Usopp cried. Fat, fake tears rolling down his cheeks, as he hid his 'Cry-your-heart-out-Mate-y! Teardrops' behind his back. "All Luffy wants is to be loved!"

"That's right!" Sanji smirked. "Luffy just wants to be loved. Right, Luffy?"

"Ah… Sure."

"See." Sanji's smirk deepened. "Now why don't you be a _good boy_, Zoro-_chan_, and play nice with Luffy? Be sure to give him lots of puppy dog kisses too."

Zoro went bright red at the suggestion, though whether it was due to embarrassment or anger, they couldn't tell.

"You know what?" Zoro sneered, and they all braced themselves at the surprisingly vicious tone his voice had taken, sure that violence was about to ensue.

Of course, this had half of them sweat-dropping and the other half face-planting, when Zoro's only course of action was to shout, "FINE!"

Before grabbing Luffy, tossing him over his shoulder, and dragging him inside.

"Disaster averted."

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

Except for Zoro, who in actual fact had snapped only because Luffy had been giving him soulful puppy dog eyes ever since his first 'No.'

Oddly enough, his sigh was one of satisfaction as his Captain gently patted him on the head, murmuring about how happy he was that Zoro was his.

He wondered if he shouldn't be scared at the thought that he could get used to this.

It was nice to feel cared for.

Zoro just hoped he'd survive longer than the _Den Den Mushi_ had.

* * *

Finis.

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**Another Word from the Author: **So... somehow that managed to end up being even longer than the first...! XD But anyway! Let me know what you thought, hoi...!


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